Prewriting for Problem-Solution Essay
There is a problem at our school.Our backs are being slouched because of it.The people responsible for taking the top lockers are the 8th graders. Our lockers are perfect size but it's all because the 8th graders have taken all the top lockers (????). The 8th graders have complianed that they need more space in the halls. We are forced to have bottom lockers.
The lockers are still crowded and there is no solution in site (sp?)yet. I've come with about four solutions to this problem, one is to give a sertian section of lockers to the 8th graders. Like the area by Mrs.Best's room and next to Mrs.Lovejoy's room (fragment!). They could be given to the 8th graders.That would help to uncrowd the locker area and give the 6th and 7th top and bottom lockers. (This solution needs more explanation. As it is, it doesn't make sense.)
There are many other possible solutions like this one, keep it as it is (run-on). I relize this may not be the best solution but this solution
avoids the 8th graders complain so much that the school will have to put it back the way it was early.(?) Not even I think this is a good solution for this problem. The only reason I thought of this was because of my older brother, he's in 8th grader(Write this more concisely. Use eighth grade as an adjective). and he likes it like this.
( Unnecessary sentence. The next sentence is a good transition.) One more solution is to get more lockers. There are many hooks that aren't used and we could put more lockers in there place to increase the amount of lockers. The increased amount of lockers would spread out the amount of people in the area. Thus letting more people have top lockers.
As you have just heard many solutions for the same problem the 8th graders have seized the top lockers. They selfishly demanded the top lockers and shoved us down to the bottom lockers. I know that I'm speaking for both 6th and 7th graders when I say we should have a fair share of top lockers. (Good voice in this paragraph!)
Good start, Peter. Make some more revisions and check your writing for spelling and punctuation problems. 4/22/12 Final Grade
Ideas 4 Your idea could be more clearly state both at the beginning and end of your essay Organization 4 Better than it was. You have a problem with the beginning sentence of your second paragraph. It sounds like a new problem. Word Choice 3 Be simple, clear, and to the point. You used lots of words to say a simple thing. Voice - 4 Especially good in the conclusion because you have used good verbs (seized and demanded) Fluency - 4 Many of the sentences are the same length, but a nice variation in the sentence beginnings conventions - 2 Ouch! You have run-ons and fragments besides some spelling errors.
Problem-Solution Essay
language arts page
Prewriting for Problem-Solution Essay
There is a problem at our school.Our backs are being slouched because of it.The people responsible for taking the top lockers are the 8th graders. Our lockers are perfect size but it's all because the 8th graders have taken all the top lockers (????). The 8th graders have complianed that they need more space in the halls. We are forced to have bottom lockers.
The lockers are still crowded and there is no solution in site (sp?)yet. I've come with about four solutions to this problem, one is to give a sertian section of lockers to the 8th graders. Like the area by Mrs.Best's room and next to Mrs.Lovejoy's room (fragment!). They could be given to the 8th graders.That would help to uncrowd the locker area and give the 6th and 7th top and bottom lockers. (This solution needs more explanation. As it is, it doesn't make sense.)
There are many other possible solutions like this one, keep it as it is (run-on). I relize this may not be the best solution but this solution
avoids the 8th graders complain so much that the school will have to put it back the way it was early.(?) Not even I think this is a good solution for this problem. The only reason I thought of this was because of my older brother, he's in 8th grader (Write this more concisely. Use eighth grade as an adjective). and he likes it like this.
( Unnecessary sentence. The next sentence is a good transition.) One more solution is to get more lockers. There are many hooks that aren't used and we could put more lockers in there place to increase the amount of lockers. The increased amount of lockers would spread out the amount of people in the area. Thus letting more people have top lockers.
As you have just heard many solutions for the same problem the 8th graders have seized the top lockers. They selfishly demanded the top lockers and shoved us down to the bottom lockers. I know that I'm speaking for both 6th and 7th graders when I say we should have a fair share of top lockers. (Good voice in this paragraph!)
Good start, Peter. Make some more revisions and check your writing for spelling and punctuation problems.
4/22/12 Final Grade
Ideas 4 Your idea could be more clearly state both at the beginning and end of your essay
Organization 4 Better than it was. You have a problem with the beginning sentence of your second paragraph. It sounds like a new problem.
Word Choice 3 Be simple, clear, and to the point. You used lots of words to say a simple thing.
Voice - 4 Especially good in the conclusion because you have used good verbs (seized and demanded)
Fluency - 4 Many of the sentences are the same length, but a nice variation in the sentence beginnings
conventions - 2 Ouch! You have run-ons and fragments besides some spelling errors.
Total points = C